Dear Sisters,
Tell your friend that at the end of the day, what matters is Allah's SWT opinion. Anyone here can have an opinion and tell you what they think is the right answer. Some of them can be easy and blissful to read and some of them can be scary and hard to bear hearing. Like everyone else I will add my own but mine is based on personal experience. I too suffered similar turmoil and may Allah SWT forgive us and protect us always. Ameen. I suffered an expense at the hands of a man (a Muslim man). But you know what? I was protected by Allah SWT because I too did not commit the major Zina. There was never a sexual intercourse Al7emdoulillah. But I was still troubled knowing what I did was haram. So below was an advise from a Muslim Counselor. Please share it with your friend and I hope it helps anyone.
An Advice By Dr. Maryam Bachmeier:
First, I want to praise you for being so strong. You did not give in and you are so precious. This experience has enlightened you to the fact that there are many men out there whose intentions are not so pure. A young woman in her 20’s and 30’s will indeed become attracted sexually to a man. This is only natural. That is one reason among many that we keep ourselves away from men.
The fact is our body has no sense at all. It likes what it likes, and wants what it wants. And, if we let our body’s desire rule us, our heart will be broken. Some men are honorable and will respect this and protect us from being put in that position. Others will take advantage of that. We women are vulnerable. It is wrong for a man to take advantage of that. Many men use the excuse that if a woman puts herself in a situation where something can happen, then it is her fault. And, most of us Muslim women really try hard not to be in that situation. But, as human women, we get lonely and long to be with a man, and sometimes we do end up alone with a man.
The man that you were with took advantage of you. He knew you were vulnerable and he knew that he was not looking for a wife. He put you in a position to get hurt. Some of our brothers need Honor 101, it is a sad thing. This man never had any intentions of being with you, and you are absolutely doing the correct thing by cutting off all communication with him. Please remain strong and do not talk to him again.
There was a day when a good man would notice a vulnerable woman and not touch her, and if his intentions were not to peruse her for permanent marriage, he would encourage her to go home, talk to her mother, and keep herself away from men until marriage. These men are hard to find, and women seem to be like free candy to many, even to our Muslim Brothers. And it is true that our society may be giving our brothers the message that a woman’s body is no longer to be protected as so many of the modern women have forgotten themselves. But our Qur’an tells us not to sin against our own soul, and indeed, a woman’s soul and body cannot be separated. Penetrate the body, you penetrate the soul. Violate the body, you violate the soul. You were protected by ALLAH Alhamduillah. He did not penetrate you, and you can recover from this.
I speak candidly and straight to the heart with truth. You have done well. Purity is important for so many reasons.
You have already taken the first and most important step in getting yourself and your soul back after this experience. You stopped all communication with this man who is not interested in making you his wife.
The next step is to heal. You do this by prayer. Prayer changes everything about who you are. It changes your physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual self. Pray for Forgiveness from Allah for allowing yourself to be put in Haram’s way. Allah is All Forgiving. With the knowledge that Allah Forgives, forgive yourself. You cannot judge yourself or be angry with yourself when you experience the All Forgiveness and Endless Love of Allah. This will purify you from the inside out, and your soul will be renewed.
You will never lose the wisdom you gained from this experience, but you will experience purity again. Once you have completely accepted the Cleansing Love and Forgiveness of Allah, you will easily forgive your brother who took advantage of you. Alhamdulillah, he did not take your virginity, but he still wronged you, as his intentions toward you were not admirable or honorable. And, if you had given him the chance, he would have taken you illegally. But, our brothers are as confused and lonely as we are in our contemporary society. Many think that women want to have sex outside of marriage as they are receiving mixed messages.
Most men don’t really want to hurt women or take advantage of them but they also are being told that they are not real men if they don’t have sex with them, without the responsibility of marriage. So, praise Allah for not only saving you, but for saving your Brother in Islam from this ignorance and potentially damaging sin. The Brothers sin against their own souls as well, and they are damaged too, they may not realize this, but it is true. With your new level of enlightenment, you can easily forgive this brother. When you do, you will reach even a higher level of spirituality and spiritual purity. The purity of the body is only the beginning. The completeness of our deen (religion) requires a refinement and purification of our minds, our emotions, and our soul. My sister, you are much closer than you think. You will not only be untainted as before, but better.
This brings us to deen. It is often stated that marriage is one half our deen. Our deen is the very life we live. Indeed, we live in a world where so many men refuse to marry a woman who will not have sex with them first. This is haram (sinful). The men are “test driving” the car. Then if they are not completely satisfied, they refuse to buy the car. But, they are never completely satisfied, because buying the car means you have to maintain the car. Maintenance of a car means responsibility. You cannot own a car without working for the money with which to maintain it, or doing labor such as changing the oil, or the tires, etc. The bottom line is a man cannot have a car unless he is willing to care for the car. (Isn’t it interesting how we name cars, ships, planes….she?).
Now, it is just wrong to “test drive” a woman as if she is a car. She has a soul. You cannot give her back once you take her. Oh, no sir, you have to keep her and take care of her, otherwise you just are not an honorable man. Plain and simple! And woman, you must realize your value, and not let a man steal you as some bad men steel cars, and don’t let him use you, and don’t let him test drive you.
My sister, if you want marriage, let the whole Muslim Community know that you are available for Marriage…and be firm. Marriage or nothing! You are very young. There is no doubt there is a man out there who will appreciate having Quality, rather than quantity. And that is you, you are indeed quality.
It is better to remain a virgin your entire life and “marry humanity” for the sake of Allah. In this way, you will complete your deen. Do good works, make yourself available for marriage. Keep a good brother (family member if possible) as an escort and protector so that the next time a suitor shows interest in you, he will not think he can touch you until marriage. If the world has degenerated to the point where a man will not marry you without touching you first, then, don’t marry. That may sound harsh and very difficult to do but you will be happier on the inside if you follow this advice.
Woman’s heart is so delicate, and part of the reason our society is falling apart is because women are falling apart, because too many women are sinning against their own souls and allowing less than honorable men hurt them.
So, please, start with prayer, forgive yourself as Allah Forgives you, then forgive your brother; get yourself sane and mentally, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy and be available for the path that Allah has destined for you.
I will make dua (supplication) for you Inshallah.
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