Riyadh, Asharq Al-Awsat- "Jealousy has many positive psychological
characteristics that pushes people towards healthy competition and
motivates people to fulfill their aims and needs. It propels people
psychologically to act within society and at home," said a specialized
consultant in family affairs.
But what if jealousy is extreme? Does jealousy strengthen or weaken a
marriage and the trust and love that is between couples? One woman
said, "Jealousy between man and wife is disorderly. Sound
relationships are built on trust."
One man who chose to remain anonymous told Asharq Al Awsat, "I am
extremely jealous with regards to my wife, but not to the extent that
she would complain about it. I love her and respect her and this is
why I do not allow her to go the market or anywhere else alone. As for
going to her parents' house, I do not allow this and this shows that I
need her, not that I am jealous. If I didn't love her, I would allow
her to go to her parents for weeks or to stay out late every night
with her friends." He adds, "My wife is mine and I am happy with her,
so how could I allow myself to let her slip into an evil world?"
On the other hand, Umm Sultan says, "I am not jealous when it comes to
my husband, even though he works with women. This does not mean that I
do not love him; in fact, trust is what matters. I trust my husband
and I believe that if he had feelings for any of his colleagues at
work, he would have married them before he married me. Even if new
female employees joined him at work, I believe he will always be
loyal. Any woman can make their husband only have eyes for her but she
can also cause him to look at other women."
Fadwa states that her husband's jealous behavior reminds her of her
brother. She says, "With time, I have grown to like my husband's
jealousy, I believe that it is somewhat natural to be jealous as we
were raised in this way." She continues, "My husband is not as jealous
as some husbands that we read about in magazines or see in television
soaps who doubt their wives. Even though these characters exist in
reality, people should not generalize about jealous husbands."
Umm Mohammed argues, "Jealousy between couples is disorderly behavior,
however women are usually more jealous especially if other women talk
about their husbands. The case is similar with men." Umm Mohammed
retells a story in which "a man used to express admiration for female
anchors in front of his wife and did not stop until his wife expressed
her wish for her husband to look like a certain singer. He did not
like this and the couple argued about it. In the end, he realized that
his wife only wanted to show how it felt when he would praise female
reporters in front of her. She wanted to know how much her husband
valued her so she left and went to her parents' house. He soon
followed her and apologized profusely." Umm Mohammed continued, "I
wish that couples would take heed of the moral of this story and not
counter jealousy with jealousy as the couple almost ended their
marriage as a result."
Psychologist Maher Abdullah Al Baghdady stated, "Linguistically,
jealousy means to defend what we have from the abuse of others.
Jealousy in marriages is caused by fear of others trying to endanger
the relationship. This jealousy is in defense from what can harm it."
He continues, "Jealousy is only positive when it is within limit. When
the husband or wife crosses the boundaries of customs, the violator
should be held accountable. Jealousy is justified in some cases such
as when a wife goes to a stranger's house wearing inappropriate
clothing or if a husband is talking to other women on the phone, is
out late or travels for no apparent reason. All these scenarios may
cause positive jealousy that aims to protect the marriage. Negative
jealousy exists when couples act in a strict manner and interrogate
each other on their actions and behavior at any occasion."
Al Baghdady adds, "Jealousy is usually associated with one person in
the couple committing dishonorable actions, however, without the other
party having proof of such behavior. There is a big difference between
jealousy and doubt. Jealousy is an exaggerated emotion that leads to
paranoia of the partner's actions. Doubt is casting accusations
against the partner without any solid evidence.
Dr Maher believes that the most efficient way to get rid of jealousy
is through "mutual respect of privacy on both sides. This is besides
the mutual trust and understanding between couples. A husband should
be sure that he chose his wife because he believes she is the most
suitable for him and vice versa. The couple should be honest with each
other and not act in a way that may cause suspicion such as making
private calls or having private phone numbers for people who the
partner may not know."
Noora Bint Mohammed al Safeiry, psychologist and family consultant
told Asharq Al Awsat, "Jealousy is a complicated emotional state, the
elements of which are formed in early childhood. These elements vary
between love of possession, fear of losing a close friend, family
member or item, inferiority complex and frustration and these traits
represent sound human reaction and are the first features of
psychological adaptation and social homogeneity. Its one of the
primary instincts for humans in their different periods of
development, its psychological elements are constant but it changes in
every period according to emotional development from childhood to
adulthood. Morbid jealousy can be explained by a number of factors
such as deprivation of love for various reasons.
Noora continues, "There is also the factor of favoring one child over
another to motivate competition between the children. In this case,
parents do not consider individual differences between each child or
the psychological formation of children.
When we refer to the characteristics of adults who suffer from morbid
jealousy, we must assert that the main reason is the lack of inner
peace within oneself. These people who are suspicious are constantly
in doubt and question the intentions of others' actions. They are
extremely sensitive when it comes to criticism from others, they find
it difficult to establish close friendships and relationships even
with their closest acquaintances and regardless of the time and effort
other people exert in order to gain their love and trust."
Noora further stated, "Concerning marriage, it is apparent that there
is a clear link between love and jealousy as if jealousy is the only
way to express love and as if those who do not get jealous do not
genuinely love their partners. Jealousy within marriages sometimes
emerges from the fear of losing loved ones and this is usually
followed by attempts to protect those who are dear to their hearts.
However, jealousy also stems from the lack of self-trust, inner peace
and trust in the partner."
Although she believes that a jealousy does have some positive
elements, Noora argues that when jealousy crosses its boundaries it
can have severe effects on people. She says, "Severe cases of jealousy
can cause a man to quit his job, neglect his health and focus his
energies on investigating his wife's actions. It could even lead to
psychological pressures, threats and torture."
Dr Laila Saleh Mohammed Zazoo, a professor at the University of King
Abdulaziz in Jeddah, told Asharq Al Awsat, "Even though many married
couples have children, they could still experience many obstacles in
their marriages. However, jealousy highlights the fundamental links
that marriage is based upon such as understanding, love and respect
for one another. Jealousy is required to a certain extent as it
provokes emotion and builds bridges of communication between some
couples at some stages of their marriage. However, if jealousy
surpasses its limit, it is a danger to the marriage. Couples must sit
and discuss matters that affect their daily lives and the problems
they face, on top of which is jealousy. Jealousy does affect
relationships. Each partner must give the other the opportunity to
express his or her thoughts and feelings. Everybody wants true love
whereby the husband loves his wife for who she is and vice versa and
in these marriages, the couple is happy and secure and trusts one
another. This way, they discard any doubts about each other. Positive
jealousy is based on love and a solid foundation of appreciation and
respect and is not destructive. Respect is the base of marriage and
the guarantee for its success."
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